Thoughts

Thoughts are intriguing things...I've spent hours contemplating words, yes words. Don't ask why but words always fascinate me. Why do we say "bye-bye" and why is with spelled like that? But besides trying to create meaning to these thoughts, I've had other deep intellectual debates with myself.

Over spring break, I've come to realize how godless America has become. The shows they have a complete trash..and addicting, I'll admit, but why? Seriously, do we really need to be concerned about what Lindsey Lohan wore while she went clubbing? Do we need to have complete strangers go through our bedrooms to see if we'd be the one they'd go on a date with? Who really cares about America's Next Top Model? You want wholesome models who didn't starve themselves look at Audrey Hepburn and her era. Why is our society so obsessed with being beautiful and skinny? And why are those two words always connected? Who decided this? Why do we want to be documented on live television? To be famous? Is that why? Why do we mock the innocent and pure and uplift the daring and risque ones? Because they're daring? I can be daring, I just choose not to.

The wise old owl from Bambi was indeed right when he sagely said that spring was a time for romance. Twitterpation abounds. Not that I mind watching people hold hands, but when nearly every couple you see is doing it? Only time will tell how much damage the emotional trauma of watching this will be in my life =)

I read something. And it almost made me cry. Almost. I caught myself. Which is stupid because no one else was in the room with me. But whatever. It clearly depicated my life and how very few actually understand me...or how little I understand myself... I have spent countless hours quiet even though I wanted to speak up, all because I am still trying to sort through the mess of ideas swirling around in my head. Things I wish people understood about me and things I wish they wouldn't stare at. I have sat through numerous chapels, biting my tongue and mentally trying to stop from thinking negatively...but to be honest, there is a big part of me that is screaming

How can you say that?! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

But then I remember where I am. and it makes me furious. So I've shut up. I've stopped telling people about my home until I'm sure that they won't freak. And when it slips out too soon, I mentally kick myself for isolating myself. yet again. People think I'm shy. Those that actually know me know otherwise. I'm quiet. If I don't you then I am observing you. Because my whole life has been a huge bowl of observation. Sorry, it's programed in. I will watch.

Deal with it.

So tomorrow, because it is blissfully warm out, I will be going to class in a kente wrapskirt. Because I miss my family,

because I want to,

because I'm different,

because I'm me.

Waiting.

So here I am. Waiting. Actually, I'm waiting for my laundry and trying not to pass out. But that is something for another time. If it ever gets put up here because frankly the knowledge of this blog's existence is highly doubted. But it makes me feel better knowing I can write...type...whatever.

The past 4 weeks of my life have been an emotional rollercoaster but the week before school started I found myself seeing bits and pieces of home being tossed into my life.

Like smiling really big when I heard Fox's ringtone being played in Applebees. Walking through OfficeMax with my mom and laughing uncontrollabley at the office plaques that state "Office", "Women's Restroom", "In a meeting", and "Do not enter". Watching wide-eyed at the all the white people in Walmart and wondering why there are so many. Realizing that I am my brothers' sister when I watched (while I was ice-skating) a boy about Eric's age skate back to the warming house saying that "he need to warm up" to which I immediately thought "wimp", which actually sounds mean but considering how I was always considered a loser or wimp growing up if I quit early, I think this is justified.

Being at school. This has proved more harder than just being away. I find myself wishing I wish Kayla were here to sing "Grease" with me, I need Wylee to sing "Apologize" to me...because I need a break from people, I want Melinda here so I sing "Moulin Rouge" and so we can laugh and talk about the boy hero, Edward Cullen, and music, I need Candra so we can talk about everything, Wouldn't Ben have loved this?, I need a hug from someone...I'll take anyone, I wish my brothers were here to tease me without mercy, I wish Fox were here so we could have deep intellectual brain fights, I wish.....
but then I remember that I'm supposed to be here. by myself. to start a new adventure. but this is hard. very hard. I'm pretty sure no one told me this would be easy. It's only been a week, it takes time to form relationships. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. Oh, I've made a few friends, but I haven't got to the point of familiarity that I could just collapse in their arms in laughter or tears. I'm still looking for that group who just gets it. they know. more importantly, they want to know. They're mindset and attitude don't change after they find out my crazy life. Because shockingly enough,I dont like being the wonderchild. In fact, I hate it. I always feel like I'm on display. So I've learned to shut-up. To not always bring up my life. which is sad in a way. I'm not saying I'm not proud of my life. I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. But I will say that it can make social gatherings a bit awkward.

So now, I'm just waiting. Waiting. For God to bring the people He wants into my life. The people I need. The people who will randomly swing dance in the hallways, start singing musicals, ask why I'm laughing when I listen to panto songs and remember all the fun we had in the lounge. People like that.