Thoughts

Thoughts are intriguing things...I've spent hours contemplating words, yes words. Don't ask why but words always fascinate me. Why do we say "bye-bye" and why is with spelled like that? But besides trying to create meaning to these thoughts, I've had other deep intellectual debates with myself.

Over spring break, I've come to realize how godless America has become. The shows they have a complete trash..and addicting, I'll admit, but why? Seriously, do we really need to be concerned about what Lindsey Lohan wore while she went clubbing? Do we need to have complete strangers go through our bedrooms to see if we'd be the one they'd go on a date with? Who really cares about America's Next Top Model? You want wholesome models who didn't starve themselves look at Audrey Hepburn and her era. Why is our society so obsessed with being beautiful and skinny? And why are those two words always connected? Who decided this? Why do we want to be documented on live television? To be famous? Is that why? Why do we mock the innocent and pure and uplift the daring and risque ones? Because they're daring? I can be daring, I just choose not to.

The wise old owl from Bambi was indeed right when he sagely said that spring was a time for romance. Twitterpation abounds. Not that I mind watching people hold hands, but when nearly every couple you see is doing it? Only time will tell how much damage the emotional trauma of watching this will be in my life =)

I read something. And it almost made me cry. Almost. I caught myself. Which is stupid because no one else was in the room with me. But whatever. It clearly depicated my life and how very few actually understand me...or how little I understand myself... I have spent countless hours quiet even though I wanted to speak up, all because I am still trying to sort through the mess of ideas swirling around in my head. Things I wish people understood about me and things I wish they wouldn't stare at. I have sat through numerous chapels, biting my tongue and mentally trying to stop from thinking negatively...but to be honest, there is a big part of me that is screaming

How can you say that?! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

But then I remember where I am. and it makes me furious. So I've shut up. I've stopped telling people about my home until I'm sure that they won't freak. And when it slips out too soon, I mentally kick myself for isolating myself. yet again. People think I'm shy. Those that actually know me know otherwise. I'm quiet. If I don't you then I am observing you. Because my whole life has been a huge bowl of observation. Sorry, it's programed in. I will watch.

Deal with it.

So tomorrow, because it is blissfully warm out, I will be going to class in a kente wrapskirt. Because I miss my family,

because I want to,

because I'm different,

because I'm me.

Waiting.

So here I am. Waiting. Actually, I'm waiting for my laundry and trying not to pass out. But that is something for another time. If it ever gets put up here because frankly the knowledge of this blog's existence is highly doubted. But it makes me feel better knowing I can write...type...whatever.

The past 4 weeks of my life have been an emotional rollercoaster but the week before school started I found myself seeing bits and pieces of home being tossed into my life.

Like smiling really big when I heard Fox's ringtone being played in Applebees. Walking through OfficeMax with my mom and laughing uncontrollabley at the office plaques that state "Office", "Women's Restroom", "In a meeting", and "Do not enter". Watching wide-eyed at the all the white people in Walmart and wondering why there are so many. Realizing that I am my brothers' sister when I watched (while I was ice-skating) a boy about Eric's age skate back to the warming house saying that "he need to warm up" to which I immediately thought "wimp", which actually sounds mean but considering how I was always considered a loser or wimp growing up if I quit early, I think this is justified.

Being at school. This has proved more harder than just being away. I find myself wishing I wish Kayla were here to sing "Grease" with me, I need Wylee to sing "Apologize" to me...because I need a break from people, I want Melinda here so I sing "Moulin Rouge" and so we can laugh and talk about the boy hero, Edward Cullen, and music, I need Candra so we can talk about everything, Wouldn't Ben have loved this?, I need a hug from someone...I'll take anyone, I wish my brothers were here to tease me without mercy, I wish Fox were here so we could have deep intellectual brain fights, I wish.....
but then I remember that I'm supposed to be here. by myself. to start a new adventure. but this is hard. very hard. I'm pretty sure no one told me this would be easy. It's only been a week, it takes time to form relationships. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. Oh, I've made a few friends, but I haven't got to the point of familiarity that I could just collapse in their arms in laughter or tears. I'm still looking for that group who just gets it. they know. more importantly, they want to know. They're mindset and attitude don't change after they find out my crazy life. Because shockingly enough,I dont like being the wonderchild. In fact, I hate it. I always feel like I'm on display. So I've learned to shut-up. To not always bring up my life. which is sad in a way. I'm not saying I'm not proud of my life. I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. But I will say that it can make social gatherings a bit awkward.

So now, I'm just waiting. Waiting. For God to bring the people He wants into my life. The people I need. The people who will randomly swing dance in the hallways, start singing musicals, ask why I'm laughing when I listen to panto songs and remember all the fun we had in the lounge. People like that.

Oh My...

This past month has been.....stretching (to say the least). My whole life has felt like it's being pulled in a million different directions and my body just can't seem to do it. My mind has been a torrent of thoughts going as fast as the speed of light, only settling for a second before another one come crashing through. Thoughts like:
"Why am I working here?"
"I only have x days left here"
"I'm going back to the States soon!"
"Soon I'll get to see my best buddies and spend Christmas with them!"
"Nicki's getting married!!!"
"Why are they being like that....why do they have to tell me how many days I have left before I leave my beloved Africa??"
"Why don't they understand? Or at least try to? Because they never could. Never. Why do they act like they do? They can't know...they can't know what its like to feel happy and sad at the same time. What it's like to have your heart being ripped in two because of your love for two different places."

Good things have happened though...lots of them.
making food with Christiana
dancing
singing
salsa dancing
laughing so hard I cry
falling asleep during my birthday party only to wake up to realize that's what everyone else was doing
watching Hairspray
playing with my baby brother Joshua
falling to the ground
being dropped and then landed on by Fox and still able to laugh our heads off
throwing what Mel and Bethanne told us out the window and creating a Pan and Wendy master piece dance and song
tro-tro rides
realizing that I'm okay with what's happening in my life
getting ready for music auditions
the pantomime
teasing Alex/Michael about Nemo
having my brother from another mother over nearly every Friday
watching Wylee dance in the pantomime
socks from Candra
realizing I'm almost done working
massages
Lori Line
making new friends
laughing at nothing and everything
saying something that left Fox speechless and with no immediate comeback
(for once)
being in Ghana for the time God has given me
=)

Darling Wendy

The List Topic #1.....Wendy

Yes, I am Wendy Darling with a D.=) I'm am not the typical Wendy as Mel, Chuck, and BethAnn seem to love making my character even more awkward for me to play. No comments Fox! I am to be a rebel and a flirt. I flirt with just about any male but my real heart throb is Peter Pan...aka Fox. Awkward. It will be very fun =) Especially since I get to sing "You're The One That I Want" and dance in "Hand Jive". Alex...dear Alex, is my prim and proper little brother Michael who is madly in love with Nemo and Princess Running Water Down the Ganges (aka Ashley). Yep, it should be a very interesting play indeed. On a side note, Chuck became slightly worried when Fox and I (in total harmless playful banter) started a word fight. He was worried that we actually had a problem with each other and since we are to be star crossed lovers, he wanted to make sure that we were okay with each other.....Fox and I just about died. Oh speaking of Fox, did I mention that his character Peter Pan is a spaz? Yep, Peter Pan is a guy who acts like he's just drunk 15 Red Bulls even though he is naturally hyper, he also acts happy-go-lucky on top of that...........the end result is somewhat scary =)

The List

So, I haven't blogged in quite some time.....okay, I haven't blogged for awhile.
Alot has happened...............and I will blog about each one on the list=)
*I was cast as Wendy in the Christmas pantomime "Captain Hook's Revenge"
*I went to Mount. Paradise
*I am having some leaving Ghana issues......alot of issues
*Kindergarten
*My job

11pm

So...school......not a good week. Things have happened that shouldn't have. Everyone is hurt deeply. It hurts to come to work everyday. School (to me) has become an unhappy situation. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I hate feeling this way. So I'm going to bed.

My Life....wait....no....my life?

Why my life pretty much equaled dirt this past week :
1. School
2.School
3.Did I mention school?
4.My job at school
5.The fact that I have no friends here my age
6.School
7.The drama of school
8.The tailor messing up my order...royally
9.Lunch Duty for the past week...especially today
10. The general mood at school
11.Having to say goodbye


Why life is looking slightly better....right now.....at 11pm:
1.No school for TWO WHOLE DAYS!
2.Play practice tomorrow...hurray for peter pan =)
3.Not having to be around drama drama drama
4.I just found out that my last 2 math assignments were nearly perfect (I'm very happy)
5. I found out that my exams are on the way
6. Christian Bale...nough said
7.My dad who always listens
8. My mom who just held me today while I cried out my disappointment in life today
9. Pita chips and M&Ms
10.Watching my baby brother laugh at the world
11.Did I mention no school?